


That's What Crazy Is

by girlinterrupted



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-24 05:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlinterrupted/pseuds/girlinterrupted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Much of the time, Liam and Louis' relationship goes around in circles. They can't keep going on with the same problems, and although Liam is desperately in love, his job keeps him away too much of the time. With the added strain of temptation, Louis isn't sure if he can keep holding onto his relationship and is forced to make a decision between the same old insanity and change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Maybe I am Insane

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the One Direction song "Same Mistakes" from the Up All Night album. Couldn't get it out of my head, so I figured I'd turn it into some Lilo and Nouis. There will be eventually some smut. No shame!

**_Liam_ **

_Someone once explained to me that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again all the while expecting different results. I wasn’t sure then how people could do that, you know, hold onto the same old things thinking they were going to change someday. I didn’t understand then, but I understand now._

_Maybe I am insane._

Liam scribbled the words in an old notebook while he waited. His face was a bit more scruffy than usual. Everyone around him could tell he was tired. This simple observation alarmed some and elicited sympathy from others. The airport was packed; it was the holiday season after all, and the snow storm outside delayed every flight. It had been such a long time since he had written anything down let alone anything resembling journaling, but in the wake of certain recent events, he couldn’t help it. The snow outside was the least of his worries. A delayed flight really only meant more time to sit and wait for things to change without taking any action to change anything. He was sorry. He was always so sorry, and he would send so many postcards with ‘wish you were here’ painted across landscapes and cityscapes alike.

It was always like Louis to run away when he was frustrated with being alone. Liam would come home from work, and everything but Louis’ toothbrush would still be there. That’s all he would take: his tooth brush. There would always be a note left on the countertop saying nothing but: ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.’ Running away never lasted too long; he’d crawl into their king size bed early the next morning as if he had never been gone. His toothbrush would be delicately placed in their toothbrush holder, next to Liam’s, right back where it belonged.

Those nights were always Liam’s worst nights. Their puppy, affectionately named Winston by Louis because he wanted to call him Winnie, wouldn’t even look him in the eye on the nights when Louis left. That shelter puppy would pout by the door all night if he had to. Liam would eat dinner by himself, take a shower by himself, and watch television by himself until he fell asleep. That big house was so quiet without Lou around. Sometimes, he got scared that Louis wouldn’t come back. His breath would be caught for hours on end until he felt those familiar arms wrap around him and those familiar lips place a kiss on his face. When Lou was back, Liam could breathe again. It was nights like that where he realized how much he took breathing for granted.

_If you want to know the truth, I just never saw you coming, Lou. No one ever wanted to stay with me before. I was always too serious, too boring, too this, too that. I never would have guessed someone like you would ever love somebody like me. You’re so funny and so perfect. I love your little belly and your tanned skin and your brown hair and your blue eyes and when you play piano with me and when you touch my face and how you make me laugh even when I’m mad at you. I love all of these things, and I don’t even have to have a reason to love them._

A flight attendant trotted over to him. He pulled the pen away from the paper and looked up at her. “Pilot,” she said with a lip-glossed smile, “The runway has been cleared and your co-pilot is now boarding.” Forcing a smile to the surface, Liam rose from his seat and adjusted his hat before clutching his notebook and bag to follow her. The squeak of his black shoes on the tile was comfortingly familiar. As he walked, he couldn’t help but to wonder about the people around him. It was the day after Christmas and everyone was just trying to get home. He wondered if anyone was dreading leaving as much as he was. He wondered if anyone else in the entire airport just wanted to be home wrapped in blankets with the person they love and a dog that thinks it’s a person.

“Liam!”

His head whipped around to his name. A small, but genuine smile rose to his lips. “Mr. Styles!” Liam opened up his arms a little. Their pressed white shirts and black jackets came together briefly for a friendly hug. Harry was his co-pilot, and he had a smile that drove the flight attendants to the brink of insanity. It was the kind of insanity that Liam knew all too well and kept him up late at night with the inability to breathe. He had tired eyes to prove it.

As they walked, their black shoes synchronously squeaked against the tile. Harry always wore his dimpled grin making him look so chipper and cheeky. Liam admired that quality, mostly out of jealousy. He had always been ‘too sensible’ to appear cheeky, yet here Harry Styles was being incredibly cheeky just by design. It was enough to make a person weak or maybe even sick. You had to love him even when you didn’t want to. “How was your holiday?” Harry asked with that same pleasant look on his face.

Christmas hadn’t been at all what he was hoping it would be. Christmas and Christmas Eve were always important holidays to him and Lou, and they were two of the only holidays Liam had promised to always be home for. Christmas Eve was Louis’ birthday after all. This year was a little different though. Liam had taken him to dinner and somewhere between dinner and dessert had slipped a box across the table to him.

It was a ring: a nice one, one with a silver band and an engraving on the inside saying ‘You are home to me’. Lou opened the box and his eyes grew wide, “Liam…I-“

  
Liam cut him off and ran one of his fingers across his hand. “I know you said no the first time I asked you to marry me, and I know I’m gone a lot, and I know that this is the worst engagement speech of all time. I love you. Will you marry me?” His brown eyes were so hopeful and so in love.

Louis closed the box, and Liam could feel the weight of the world come crashing down over him. “Liam, let me think about it alright?”

With a small shrug Liam looked over at Harry and feigned a small smile again. “My holiday was just fine, Harry, how was yours?”

 

**_Louis_ **

It was the same kind of morning he had grown tragically accustomed to. The sunlight dripped in through the blinds and fell flat on his face; “Winnie…” he cooed and opened one eye. The golden retriever puppy came crawling up from the bottom of the bed to fill the empty void that Liam had left early that morning. Lou kissed the puppy’s face and spoke to him as he always did, “Good morning little boy.” He smiled as the puppy licked his face affectionately. After rising from bed in his red and green Christmas boxers, Lou walked out to the kitchen to boil some water for some tea.

Whistling a light-hearted tune, he grabbed two teacups from the cabinet and set two English breakfast teabags into them. He poured the boiling water into the two teacups. Upon taking a moment to really look at the two cups on the counter, he sighed, furrowed his eyebrows, and realized that Liam was gone. There was no need for two teacups. There was no need to make Liam any tea at all because Liam was gone. Often he had to repeat that to himself over and over again to get it through his head. This was never an unusual occurrence. Often Louis would come home with gifts or food he knew Liam liked just to realize Liam was not there. Liam was never there. It was driving him crazy.

Picking up the phone, he dialed the same old number. “Hello?” That familiar voice was so soothing on the other end of the phone. Hearing it was like getting into the car just as your favorite song comes onto the radio.

Louis smiled slightly, “Hey Niall, I was wondering if you would come over to have tea and breakfast with me?”

It took nearly no time for him to answer back. “Absolutely,” he responded. That Irish boy had always loved food and had always been there for Louis. Whenever he ran away, he’d come to Niall’s with that toothbrush in hand and a small frown on his face. Niall would stay up as late as he could muster with Louis watching shitty movies only Louis would want to watch. After all his anxiety and frustration had faded away, Louis would place a blanket on the sleeping blonde and be on his way to crawl back into bed with his puppy and his boyfriend.

“Great, I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” Louis began to fiddle with the stove to make some pancakes. He placed the teacup in the microwave to keep it warm in hopes that Niall would drink it and never realize it had not been for him originally.

“Yeah, see you soon, Lou.”

After hanging up, Lou stared at one of the postcards he had put up on the fridge. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry Liam. That was never the reason. Liam was reasonable and cute and cared so much for him. He was the kind of man that was going to be a great father someday, and the kind of man that was always warm. Even when they’d play in the snow for hours or after they’d gone surfing, his body was so warm. His kiss was always so soft, and his eyes were always so kind.

Waiting for him to come home was never what Louis had pictured for his life. He couldn’t stand being by himself everyday getting postcards from places he wished he was. It was understood that him being a pilot paid the bills and that it was all he ever wanted to be, but Louis could hardly handle a day without him. He was scared of marrying Liam, and that was why he needed Niall so badly. Niall was everything Liam wasn’t: he was silly and crazy and reliable. It was easy to be best friends with him. 

Pulling himself away from his thoughts on the engagement proposal, Lou began to fix some pancakes for himself, Niall, and a few for Winnie. Liam always told him not to feed the dog human food, but Liam wasn’t around to tell him not to this morning. Liam wasn’t around to tell him very many mornings of the year. He dropped a pancake or two onto the tile for the dog to eat. “These after Christmas pancakes are all I can do for you little Winnie. Daddy’s not here to get me in trouble for feeding you.” He had a tendency to talk to the dog, and he really couldn’t help it. Some days he wished that the dog could talk back to him, and some days he was really glad he couldn’t. After all, how could he be sure that Winnie wouldn’t rat him out to Liam for all the treats and human food he gave him?

Niall walked in through the front door without knocking. “I brought donuts!” he called from the living room while he slid his shoes off. Winnie went running to the door at hyper speed and Niall could help but to laugh when the dog slipped on the tile in the kitchen and nearly hit the cabinet.

Louis shook his head, “Damn it, Niall, I told you I was making breakfast. Why did you bring donuts?” He smiled a little. It was a bit easier to forget all his worries with someone else around. Niall took an enormous bite out of a donut and smirked. “You cheeky bastard,” he laughed and took the tea out of the microwave and set it in front of the blonde.

After swallowing the massive bite of donut, Niall began to sip the tea that was placed in front of him. It was unlike him to be so quiet, but Lou didn’t say anything. The silence was comfortable between them. He just went on with his business and placed a stack of flapjacks onto a plate for Niall and smothered them with syrup. Smiling, he placed the plate and a fork in front of him and gave him a friendly pat on the head.

What happened next caught Louis by complete surprise, and he could hardly feel his heart it was beating so rapidly and so abruptly in his chest. Niall had taken one moment of stupidity and courage, and he kissed Lou right there in that kitchen, in that kitchen that belonged to Louis and Liam. It was the same kitchen where Liam had kissed him a hundred times before. After pulling away from the heated kiss, Niall looked him in the eyes, “I love you, and I have always loved you. I can’t wait forever for you to leave him for good. Tell me you don’t feel it, too. Why do you always show up at my door Lou? Why?” His blue eyes were begging for the right response. They were begging for everything, yet expecting nothing all the same. It was a hard gaze to feel on every inch of Louis’ skin. It hurt, but it didn’t. It was so wrong, but it wasn’t.

Pulling away from Niall and turning away from him, he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. “I-” he stuttered as he searched for the right words to say, “I don’t know, Niall.” His voice was so shaky, and it sounded almost like he was crying. Niall wrapped his arms around Lou’s waist and placed his head on his shoulder. He couldn’t stand to see Louis so flustered, and it broke his heart to see Louis’ heartbreaking.

“Eventually you’re going to have to choose, Lou…” Niall sighed into his shoulder.

Louis knew he had to choose, and he knew he had to make decisions on more things than one. It was an awful place to be in, and he felt crazy for letting himself fall into the situation. He had been doing the exact same things waiting for a different result, and you know, that’s what crazy is.


	2. I Never Changed My Mind, But You Did

**_Liam_ **

He was somewhere in Canada; if someone had asked him the name of the city he was in, he would have to check the postcard he bought. Even pilots must rest eventually, and tonight he was in his hotel staring at the page of an old notebook and thinking about Louis, as he always was. There was something so tragically funny about the two proposals he had made in his lifetime; neither had been accepted and neither had been anything like what he wished he could have said. Liam began to write once again.

_Do you remember the first time I asked you to marry me? It really had only been maybe a couple months after we started dating. It was before we even lived together, and I didn’t even have a ring for you. There was no doubt in my mind, though. You were half asleep, and I whispered in your ear all these things about getting married and growing old together. ‘Have you quite finished?’ you said, and I laughed because I knew you were so grumpy that night. All you wanted was to sleep, but I kissed your neck and said ‘Louis, I’m serious though, will you marry me?’_

_You told me I was crazy and that I didn’t know what I was saying and that I would change my mind in the morning. Lou, I never changed my mind._

Liam bit his lip and put down the notebook. Some things were difficult for him to say, and admitting to himself on a piece of notebook paper that he had wanted nothing but to be with Louis since the moment he had seen him at a shitty new years party four years ago was just a little out of his grasp at the moment. Loving someone so wholeheartedly and not being able to give them the kind of love that wanted felt so crippling. His whole body ached.

He glanced over at the clock on his hotel nightstand; it was nearly two in the morning. It would probably alarm his passengers if they knew he could hardly sleep half the time, but it was a secret he kept well with the aid of caffeinated tea. There was a small knock at his door, and his eyebrows furrowed. Only after forcing his aching body to get up from the bed did he go to answer the door.

“Harry?” Liam rubbed his eyes a little and cocked his head to the side. He was more than a little confused and hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the fact that his friend was standing in his doorway in nothing but a towel at two in the morning.

Through his obvious embarrassment, Harry face showed his immediate relief. “Oh thank god you’re awake. I went to the pool because I like to go skinny dipping and I knew no one would be there, but I forgot my key and now I can’t get back into my room and I have no clothes and I was really hoping I could borrow some clothes and stay here until the morning when the front desk is open again.” The entire spiel came out as one big ramble, and Harry normally talked so slowly that it was a bit overwhelming to hear him say so many words at once, but Liam nodded and opened his door to Harry despite the confusion.

Liam went to his suitcase and tossed Harry some of his clothes, “Those ought to fit you, you’re very strange, Harry. I hope you realize that.”  
  
Laughing, Harry slipped into Liam’s clothes, “I do realize.” He said with that same cheeky, dimpled grin Liam had grown so accustomed to. Hopping onto the bed, Harry picked up the notebook that Liam had been pouring his every heartbreaking and heartwarming emotion into. “What’s this?” he asked while his eyes scanned the page. After quickly realizing he shouldn’t be prying, Harry put it down, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get into your things.”  
  
Initially, Liam was a bit mortified. He wasn’t one to seem emotional, and he had never shared anything very serious with Harry. They had always been careful to keep their relationship very lighthearted. “Don’t be sorry, it’s alright,” Liam picked the notebook up, closed it, and tossed it into his bag. “It’s nothing.” Of course, it wasn’t nothing at all. It was everything that was making him crazy, and sad, and happy, all at once. His relationship was so difficult to put into words, but he felt the need to. Even if Louis would never read what he had written down, at least Liam knew the truth about how he felt weak in the knees yet stronger than Hercules whenever Lou was around. It was helpful just to get it out there in the world, especially because he had such a hard time saying those things out loud.

It was too hard to talk to Lou. He always seemed to be gone; even when he was around, he was gone. Those big blue eyes would stare off into empty space, and every so often look back at reality, dissatisfied. Liam could see it, and it hurt him so badly. Maybe that was why he took the extra shifts, and maybe that was why he grew more and more terrified each time he saw that same old note on the counter. Maybe he knew there was something else or somebody else, but it was too hard to admit those things. It was easier to pretend that everything would get better.

The curly-haired boy bit his lip, not quite sure if he was out of line and not quite sure if he was any help at all in circumstances of romance. “Are you going to be okay? You know,” he looked down at his hands and fiddled with them in his lap, “You mean a lot to me, and you can always talk to me about anything.” It had been one of the most sentimental things he had ever said to his co-pilot, and in all honesty, it had been one of the most sentimental things he had said to anyone. It wasn’t like him to have very permanent relationships: girls had come and gone, and in being a pilot, he had always been gone too. There wasn’t much time in his life to develop real friendships besides his family, and in all honesty, he reminded himself nearly daily that those people were required to love him. For being such a charming and cheeky fellow, he was incredibly lonely. Liam was his best friend.

Liam climbed into the bed next to Harry and smiled a little, “You mean a lot to me too, Styles. Let’s just go to bed, yeah?” Harry only smiled feebly and nodded in response. With one small motion, Liam switched the light off and buried his face into the pillow.

Neither could sleep, but neither said another word.

 

**_Louis_ **

There were very few moments were Louis had to depend on anyone other than Liam and Niall. After all, they were his lifelines, but there was no way he could solicit help from either of them in this situation. He paced back and forth through the house, scrolling through his contacts again and again. There had to be someone he could call. There had to be someone in the world that would understand and tell him exactly what he should do. Winston followed at his heels as he paced; the dog followed him up and down hallways, through the living room and kitchen, to the front door then to the back door. Had anyone been watching, they would think both Louis and the dog were incredibly neurotic.

After taking a very deep breath and realizing he had one choice and only one choice, he typed in ‘Come over. Need help. Dying. BYOB.’ He sent the message off and hoped that he seemed funny although he felt pathetic. His phone vibrated and he read: ‘Alright. Be there in 5, with beer.’ Smiling a little, he put the phone down on the counter and looked down at Winston. The dog whined a little and sat on Louis’ feet. “What Winnie? You think I’m crazy too, don’t you?” Lou sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Five minutes felt like forever until he heard that characteristically feeble knock on his door. He opened it up to a bit of cigarette smoke and seemingly moody eyes, Zayn lifted up a case of beer while dropping his cigarette to the ground and squishing it out with his shoe. “Brought the beer, hope you’re not too dead to make me drink them by myself.” He told Louis with a smile.

They sat together in the living room and drank, talked, and laughed. Lou explained everything to Zayn, and Zayn quietly thought about everything while he spoke. That was something he always liked about Zayn; he listened to people and processed everything before making a decision and speaking out. Because of that, Zayn always said the smartest things and make the cleverest observations. If anyone was fit to help him make a decision, it was this boy with a beer, a bit of stubble, and a brain that fascinated him.

“You know what I think, Lou?” Zayn began, and Lou looked over at him while he took swigs from his beer bottle. “I think you need to figure this one out on your own.”  
  
It was the worst advice Louis had every heard from Zayn, and it frustrated him. He rolled his eyes a little, and replied, “Zayn, that is by far the least helpful thing you could have said.”  
  
Zayn laughed a little and smirked to himself, “I could tell you what to do because I obviously think you belong with one of them more than the other, but either way, you end up hurting somebody. I think you have to find the solution that is going to hurt you the least, honestly. You’re the kind of person who would go with whichever one I told you to pick just because it’s a decision. I can’t make this decision for you though.”  
  
The words he said were painfully true, and Louis let them sink into every crevice of his defenseless heart. He had tried so hard for so long to have them both without ever realizing Niall’s love for him and without ever realizing his love for Niall. What if Liam had never happened? Would Niall and him be married by now with an adopted child and a swing set in the backyard? Would they smile in cheesy family Christmas photos and kiss each other on New Year’s Eve just like Liam had kissed him on New Year’s Eve four years ago? He would never know where they could have been now because that ship had sailed long ago. When he looked directly into two brown eyes that made him feel like everything else in the world had disappeared, Lou thought he could never love anyone else.

Here he was, though: loving somebody else all the same.

The two boys finished the case of beer together and continued to talk for hours on end. The buzz eventually wore off, and Zayn realized the time. “I’ve got to be going, lots of things to do. It was nice to catch up, and I expect you to let me know when you’ve made your decision. Yeah?” He smiled and began to fiddle a cigarette out of his pocket.

“Yeah, I’ll let you know. Thanks for listening and for the beer.” Louis hugged Zayn and smiled. He was thankful to have given in to telling him everything. It was in Louis’ nature to always think of himself as being bothersome, and it was difficult for him to bring other people into his messes. This mess was too much for him to bear on his own, and he was glad someone else would help him hold the weight of the world.

When Zayn left, Louis spent a good ten minutes staring at the mirror trying to decipher his thoughts. He didn’t know what was hurting him the most, and he wanted to kill whatever it was on the inside that had made him into this person staring at the mirror and wishing for the world to disappear. A pair of brown eyes came into his mind, and the world hadn’t disappeared in front of him.

Nothing was making this disappear. There was a loneliness so deeply rooted in his bones that it was practically the bone marrow. He grabbed his car keys, kissed Winnie on the forehead, hopped into his car, and sped away. Maybe it was the loneliness that made him do it, or maybe it was the temporary insanity that wanted nothing more than to erase two brown eyes from his memory.

His footsteps were rushed, and he didn’t even waste time knocking before walking right in. “What are you doi-” Niall’s sentence was cut off by the crashing of Louis’ lips upon his. Eagerly, Niall closed the front door behind them and grinned into the kiss. This was everything he had ever wanted, and the blonde boy was going to enjoy every moment of it.


	3. Impossible to Resist

**_Liam_ **

When Liam awoke from the brief amount of sleep he did get, Harry was nowhere to be found. It was a sad realization that he was all alone again, and although he had grown accustomed to a state of loneliness and pined for the attention of his boyfriend at home, sharing a bed with anyone felt comforting. He had hoped to wake up to that comfort.

He built up the courage to confront himself, again, in that old notebook of his. After pulling it out of a bag and tapping a pen to his lips, he crawled back into bed and searched for the words to say.

_If I could articulate my feelings for you, I think we would be better than we are now. I never tell you enough how much you mean to me, and I never treat you like I should. Maybe if you read this, you’ll understand. I know I’m crazy for thinking you can read my mind, but there was a time where you would look at me and give me that smile like you could. Sometimes, I’m absolutely convinced that you can see right through me. Sometimes, I’m convinced that you can see through everybody. You can’t see you though. You look in the mirror, and I can see it in your eyes._

_I know you don’t always love you, and I know that sometimes you hate your hair, your teeth, your chin, your ears, your nose, your everything. Know that you’re my everything, though. I always love you. Even when you think I don’t. You tell me to quit, and I will. I will quit the only job I’ve ever loved and get a regular_ _nine to five_ _like everyone else. I’ll be there for you, like Niall is when I’m not around. All you have to do is say so, and God, just say yes. Just say you’ll marry me. I’ll fix this. I promise._

Upon looking over at the clock, he realized it was time for him to get back into his uniform and return to the airport. It was monotonous yet relieving at the same time. He was nearly one more flight closer to being home. He pulled on the black trousers, squeaky black shoes, pressed white shirt, black jacket, and hat once again. All of his belongings were tossed back into his small bag then he left the room wondering where Harry was and wondering if anyone else’s world felt empty.

The airport was the same as airports always are until he felt a firm hand on his shoulder. “Liam,” Harry smiled and met his step. “I wasn’t sure if you had picked one up already, and I didn’t want you to forget. I know how you always get one…” Harry handed him a postcard with a snow covered landscape and typography proclaiming ‘Canada’ across the top.

It was an act of kindness that woke Liam up; he had been walking around in a fog of self-pity for days, and for the first time since that fog took root, he couldn’t help but to feel like the sun might exist after all. He wrapped his arms around Harry and hugged him tightly, right there in the middle of the airport. “Thank you,” he muttered and squeezed the curly haired boy just a little bit tighter.

Harry could barely contain his smile, and his grin spread over his entire face as he held Liam in return. There was something in that smile of his, and something in the way his heart quickened when Liam squeezed him tighter, that looked and felt a lot like love. “You’re welcome,” He sighed a little, “It’s no problem.” Those feelings and that look were pushed as far away from his mind as he possibly could push them; he saw the words in that notebook, and he saw the words on the postcards Liam sent. He knew very well how much Liam loved that boy back at home, but he’d be lying if he said that sometimes when they were laughing together up above the clouds, that he wasn’t pretending there was no body at home. He’d be lying if he said that every moment he had spent in Liam’s bed the night before, so close to touching but being unable to reach out, hadn’t been painful to the point where he hadn’t slept at all. All he could hope was that maybe liars still get to go to heaven if they’re only lying to keep things from falling apart.

They pulled away from the hug, and walked together to the plane. Their black shoes squeaked against the tile, and whenever Liam wasn’t looking, Harry was memorizing the little faces he made when he thought no one was going to notice. All the while Liam looked for traces of loneliness in other people, Harry was the loneliest person around, standing right in front of him. All the while Liam admired the pictures on postcards, Harry was admiring the mole on his neck and the intensity of his eyes.

Liam had only ever seen Harry as the boy that the girls swooned over, and he had never even considered him as anything other than a friend. Sure, Harry was incredibly handsome and had a body that was unlike any other body he had ever seen before. It was difficult for him not to stare when Harry had stood in his doorway with nothing but a towel on. He had never thought that the curly haired, cheeky, dimpled boy was anything but straight. Least of all, he never thought anything of Harry’s feelings for him. Liam hadn’t realized any of it, and he wasn’t ready to know, then.

 

**_Louis_ **

He had forgotten what it felt like to be passionately wrapped up in someone. Between the running away, being angry, and being gone, Liam and Louis had been having very little sex over the last few months. Now as Niall pressed him up against the wall, kissing him so hungrily, he couldn’t help but to press back and feel his heartbeat quicken. His hands slipped down Niall’s back all the while digging his fingernails in just a little bit. If this was so wrong, how could it feel so damn good?

Niall used his teeth to tug at Lou’s lip a little bit, “Let’s go upstairs.” His voice seemed deeper and lustier than Lou had ever heard it sound before, and he grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs with a smile that was impossible to resist. Louis couldn’t help but to smile too.

Quickly, Niall lit a couple vanilla candles and a light glow fell over the room. It was as if even those few moments he spent lighting those candles were too many moments to be away from the bed that Louis was laying on, waiting for him. Climbing on top of him to straddle his waist, he could hardly believe what was going on. He was rock hard already, and he was a little embarrassed about it. Louis smirked underneath him and grinded his hips, knowing exactly how hard he was and wanting him so badly that waiting was killing him.

Their lips met again, and Louis’ hands slipped up the blonde’s shirt running over lean back muscles. Niall pulled away to pull Lou’s shirt off and trail kisses down his jaw line, then his neck, then his collar bones. “God,” He looked into the darker blue eyes with his, “You’re so beautiful.” Underneath the golden glow of candlelight, Niall had become even more aware of the perfection that was every bone and muscle that made up his body. The light patch of brown hair starting at his belly button and disappearing beneath the hem of pants made Niall bite his lip and smile to himself.

The word beautiful was overwhelming. Louis had never felt beautiful, and for a second, hearing those words from Niall nearly made him believe that he was. Maybe all of his imperfections didn’t blind anyone but himself. Maybe, this is where he should have been the last four years: looking into blue eyes and feeling beautiful.

He would have wished brown eyes away if he could, yet they continued to lurk in the back of his mind like a ghost. Liam’s eyes were the ghost of a relationship that died, but somehow existed all the same. Liam’s eyes were so alive in his mind yet so tired and dead in reality. Louis didn’t know why, and it never occurred to him that he was the reason for those tired eyes that refused to cry, that every time he disappeared he was killing Liam just a little bit. There were many things he didn’t realize, and there were so many things he wanted to hear. Hearing that he was beautiful from one of the most inwardly and outwardly beautiful people he knew should have been enough, yet he still wanted Liam to tell him.

Louis never really knew what he wanted, but in that moment it felt like he wanted nothing more than to pull Niall’s clothes off and feel body heat, skin, and passionate kisses everywhere. He pulled that blonde boy’s shirt off and tossed it aside, unbuttoned his pants and looked up at him with a devious, flirtatious look. Niall grinned and grinded his hips into Louis’.

“Just fuck me already, Niall.” Louis laughed and pulled Niall’s face to his, kissing him fervently. Niall laughed into the kiss a little and ran a hand down that tanned torso to the button on his pants. After unbuttoning and unzipping, that hand slipped into Lou’s boxers to tease him and he pressed himself into the touch while releasing a small groan. His hands grabbed small handfuls of blonde hair and his back arched a bit. It was nearly unbearable waiting on Niall to have his way with him.

After two pairs of jeans and underwear were slipped off and thrown aside, the flickering golden light fell over their naked bodies being tangled up in each other. An exchange of loud moans and sloppy wet kisses ensued. Neither could catch their breath. It was the kind of hurt that hurt too well, and Lou couldn’t help but to cry out Niall’s name, profanities and ‘oh God, Jesus Christ’ over and over again. As their sweaty and lubricated bodies rocked back and forth together, their heartbeats raced and their blood rushed.

They came together and Niall collapsed beside Louis with a deeply satisfied, loving smile. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer. He didn’t bother cleaning up; he didn’t bother with it because feeling warm skin pressed against his was more important than preventing stained sheets. He pressed his forehead to Lou’s and stared into the dark blue eyes that occupied every corner of his heart and mind. “I love you, so much.” He sighed, and his normally sweet voice had returned.

Unsure of the validity of his words, Louis couldn’t help but to smile and to whisper, “I love you too.” He nuzzled his face into Niall’s chest and drifted off to sleep. After staying awake just to smile to himself as he watched Louis sleeping so peacefully in front of him, Niall finally allowed himself to close his eyes and fall asleep to dreams of what his future with Louis could be. Maybe there would be a backyard swing set, ugly Christmas sweater family pictures, and a million more kisses to come in his future. It didn’t matter though, as long as Lou was there.


	4. There Wasn't an Absence of Love

**_Liam_ **

“Harry, we’re going to be at our home airport today,” he said while glancing over at Harry through his black-tinted aviators. The flight was an easy one, and he had let his mind start to wander back home instead of through the clouds. The weather had calmed down immensely. It was nothing but clear skies for miles to see.

Harry nodded a little, “Yeah, we are, but we have a flight out of there about an hour after we land.” It pained him just a little. There was nothing at home for him. Having nothing made it easier to leave so often, but it made it all the more awful when he had to go back to his empty apartment.

Inside that apartment, there weren’t any pictures of past lovers. There were a couple of indie band posters. In the cabinets, there wasn’t any fine china in case there were important guests to entertain. There were several ironic #1 dad coffee mugs and paper plates. There was nothing about that apartment that made it special at all, and if it were up to Harry Styles, he would never go there again.

Nodding slightly in return, Liam realized his choices. The feeling in the pit of his stomach told him that he needed to be home. It was his job to fly with Harry to the end of the world and back, but he couldn’t avoid that gnawing feeling inside telling him there was something that had to be done. “I’m going to say I’m sick, I’ve got to go home…” He hadn’t even looked over at Harry when he said the words, “Will you back me up if anybody asks?”

While biting his bottom lip, Harry took a deep breath. Suddenly it was apparent to him that maybe he wouldn’t have Liam anymore. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was their last flight together. All it took was for Lou to tell him to quit, and Liam would be gone from his life in seconds. Every fiber of his being told him to say no, and he ignored every single one of those fibers. “Yeah, of course. I’ll always back you up,” he replied with a cheeky, dimpled smile.

He hoped he wasn’t transparent, and he hoped he was at the same time. He couldn’t help but to wonder if Liam just saw the way he looked at him that maybe he’d quit with all the nonsense with Louis. It wasn’t like Harry to start trouble though, and it wasn’t like him to confess his feelings. That could have very well been their last flight together, and he took deep breaths, hoping to accept it.

After the plane had landed, a replacement pilot was found for their next flight, and Harry joined Liam as he went to pick up his bag. It was funny how well he hid his sadness, and it was funny how well Liam hid his anxiety. After Liam grabbed his bag off the belt, Harry couldn’t help but to grab him and hug him tightly for fear that it would be the last time he had the ability to do so. It confused Liam, but he smiled and hugged back anyways. It felt nice to be squeezed so tightly and held so dearly.

He felt close to Harry, and he valued everything about him: his kind eyes, dimpled face, and voice. In being so close, he began to admire the way he smelt as well. He was altogether such a pleasant person. Liam sometimes wondered about the girl Harry would end up with, and he hoped she’d be beautiful. He’d always tease Harry about the flight attendants, but in reality, none of them were good enough. There was always something wrong with them. Liam never understood why, but he never spent much time wondering why he would tense up when a flight attendant would run her hand down Harry’s arm. His mind was far too occupied wondering whether or not Louis would be home when he got there.

“I hope home is everything you need it to be,” Harry said as he pulled away from the hug.

“Yeah…I hope so too. I’ll see you soon, Styles.” Liam nodded, waved slightly, and turned away to leave the airport. The smile Harry had forced began to fade from his face as he waved back and watched Liam walk away. He stood there, silently, for awhile. He wished he had said something, but the moment had passed. The opportunity was gone.

In the taxi, Liam took his last chance to write in the old worn-out notebook.

_We are literally insane, Louis. By classic definition, we are the epitome of insane for acting the way we do. It has taken me so long to realize this, and these last four years have been four of the best years of my life. I have spent months catching my breath and waiting for you to come back, and instead of facing the problems, I asked you to marry me. I’m going to ask you if you want to leave me. Know that I love you, and the last thing I want is for you to leave. There’s only two ways we can do this now, Lou. Either you love me and you marry me, or you don’t love me anymore and you leave._

_I have been sick to my stomach trying to build up the courage to say this to your face but I can’t. When I look at you, I’m willing to do circles for the rest of my life if I can see you smile. I’m okay with the circles when you wrap your arms around me, and I’m okay with circles when I watch you get dressed in the morning. I can’t be okay with circles anymore, though._

_That’s what crazy is._

After scrawling the last four words down, the taxi pulled into his driveway. He could hear Winston barking in the house. He paid the taxi driver, grabbed his bag, and began to walk towards the front door all the while clutching the notebook that held every word he couldn’t say out loud.

 

**_Louis_ **

It had taken him all of the next day to gather his things. When Liam arrived home in a couple days, more than his toothbrush would be missing from their home. He had packed it all up: his clothes, his favorite teacups, his shampoo, and anything that would be evidence that he had even been there at all. His back was against the bed frame as he sat on their bedroom floor; there was something that told him once it had all been packed up that he would feel relieved. There was no relief.

His eyes stared at the pictures on the wall. Four years was a long time to love someone with everything you have; four years of pictures were looking down at him from the wall with their smiling faces. Louis couldn’t help but to smile at one of the pictures. They were getting their picture taken at Liam’s birthday party a few years before, and just as the camera went off, Liam had leaned in to kiss him on the cheek but miscalculated and missed. The picture ended up being of him bursting into laughter as Liam accidentally kissed his eye. No matter how much time passed and how silly he looked, Lou loved that picture more than any other.

Tears began to well up in his eyes as he looked away from the photo. When a relationship ended, it was almost like everything leading up to it ending had been for nothing. It was like every memory, every kiss, every late night conversation was just a mistake of the past. When their four year relationship would end, everyone would think they had wasted four years of their lives on each other. They would talk about how Liam deserved better, and they would talk about how Louis needed somebody who was around more often. They would ask each other how they had even lasted so long in the first place. Everyone would have something to say when in reality, they had no idea.

Louis knew though; he knew every little thing that had happened over the last four years. He could tell you how much he loved the way Liam’s eyes crinkled when he smiled, and he could tell you that when Liam is sick he turns into a walking pity party: whining for attention and sympathy. He could tell you that even though the whining got on his nerves, he’d still wrap Liam in the softest blankets and risk the sicknesses to kiss him. He could tell you that the little dimples on Liam’s back make him smile, and he could tell you that he didn’t wear Liam’s shirts because they were the comfiest or the most stylish, he simply wore them because they still smelt like him. The more he doted on every little thing about the boy he had betrayed, the more he wondered if people unlearn things like that. He wondered if anyone ever forgot the smell of their ex-lover and ever forgot the exact shades of color in their eyes. Most of all, he wondered if he even wanted to forget those things.

Wiping his eyes, he looked back at that same picture. It was hard to wrap his head around the fact that he had seen that same image a million times, and he had never looked at it so intently. There were more things to that picture than he had ever noticed before. Picking himself up off the floor, he walked towards the picture and pulled it off the wall to look at it closer. His fingers were laced with Liam’s; he had always thought they were, but when he really looked, the hand in his lap wasn’t Liam’s hand at all. It was Niall’s. It was so obvious, yet he had never noticed.

Niall was so obvious, yet he never noticed. For so many years, he had been trying to force things with Liam to work and trying to see what he wanted to see, but when he really looked, it was always Niall. It was always blonde hair, blue eyes, and freckled skin. His was always the hand he was holding.

Winston began to bark wildly in the living room. He ran from the window, to the door, back to the window, then back to the door. Louis cocked an eyebrow; he hadn’t been expecting any company at all, and Niall was working. It wasn’t like Winnie to bark at nothing, and he hardly ever bothered himself with barking at people on the sidewalk. After placing the picture back on the wall, Lou walked to the door to see who could be outside.

The boxes of his things crowded the hallway as he walked, and as he walked past the counter, he saw the box holding the engagement ring. He had left it there in hopes that, when it was discovered in that barren house in a couple days, the ring would say the things he couldn’t say. It would say the words he couldn’t say to Liam’s face for fear that he would never again be able to push brown eyes out of his mind afterwards. That ring symbolized everything they were; it was just a glorified, beautiful, useless circle. He was so sick of feeling crazy while being stuck in that circle. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Liam with every ounce of his being because if he didn’t, his heart wouldn’t ache the way it did with thoughts of Liam seeing the empty house and that ring. There wasn’t an absence of love; there was an absence of energy. He was exhausted with nothing left in him to keep running in circles.

Upon looking out the window, his heart sank to the deepest, darkest, scariest part of his chest. Lou could hardly breathe or think at all because he was surrounded by boxes, and his exit strategy had to be completely rethought. Liam was home early, pulling his bag out of a taxi, and walking towards the front door. The ring on the counter would no longer be able to speak for him, and he had never been more terrified to face the truth in his life.


	5. Where the Circle Really Stopped

_**Liam & Louis** _

As Liam walked into the house, he took one large breath trying to build up courage. Louis stood in the middle of the living room, absolutely stunned, and caught. Biting his lip as he surveyed the packed boxes, Liam’s eyes were caught by the engagement ring box sitting on the counter. He didn’t need to be told anything; it wasn’t as though he were too blind to see the obvious. Calmly, he tore the letter he had written to Lou out of the notebook. “I don’t need your answer…” he said as he handed it to him, “I know it already.”

“Liam, I-” Louis searched for the words. He held onto the pages that were handed to him and felt his skin burn with the realization that Liam hadn’t looked him in the eyes since he had walked in. He saw the way those shoulder slumped underneath the light weight of a carry-on bag and the heavy weight of heartache. It was easy to see the pain around him, but it was impossible to find the words to say. The entire time he had relied on never having to say much, and here he was: faced with his problems, faced with his fears, and faced with genuinely having to decide that maybe he didn’t love Liam anymore.

Shaking his head and walking away, Liam’s eyes still never looked up at Lou’s. “Please,” he said, “I don’t want to hear it.” He closed the bedroom door behind him without another word at all. It felt as though he were slipping into a coma; his entire body felt like it was shutting down. Even his hands felt heavy to him. He removed himself from his uniform, and ignored the stinging of the realization that Louis would never hungrily tear that uniform off him again. His mind desperately tried to push out the thoughts of their relationship in that bedroom. In just a t shirt and boxers, he slipped into bed and waited for the coma to take over. He just wanted to sleep forever.

It would be easy to feel better if he could sleep forever. If he could just find that state of comatose, he wouldn’t have to feel anything ever again. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for tears to come, but they didn’t, they wouldn’t. He’d become so numb to crying, and the familiar feeling of his breathing being caught returned. It was funny that he had lied about being sick earlier, but now he felt sicker than he had ever felt before. He knew sick like an old best friend; he was born dead, after all. Until this moment, he had never wished he had stayed dead before.

Louis crawled up on the couch with the words Liam had written him. Every single word sunk into him deeper than any poison ever could. It was killing him, reading these loving words about him. When someone is not around, it’s easy to convince yourself that they don’t love you. He had spent every day for years telling himself that Liam might be around more if he were like this or if he were like that, yet the truth was out. Niall wasn’t the only person to ever make him feel beautiful; he was just the most vocal about it.

The more he read the more awful he felt. It was impossible not to cry while he read the words Liam had written. Every single word made sense, and every single word was exactly what they were. Lou understood exactly what Liam meant when he said that he convinced himself to be okay with circles. Every little smile of Liam’s made him okay with circles. Every godforsaken postcard sent to him made him okay with circles. Every kiss, touch, laugh, look, and word made him okay with the circles.

Suddenly, he found himself okay with the circles again. He walked to the bedroom after gingerly placing the letter down on the coffee table. There were still a few tears in his eyes, and he didn’t bother knocking. He simply opened the door, crawled underneath the sheets, and cuddled up to Liam. There weren’t any words to say, so he didn’t bother saying them. Liam opened his brown eyes to Louis’ blue eyes, and Lou accepted that he would never be able to get brown eyes out of his mind for the rest of his life.  
Neither said a single word at all. Lightly, Lou began to kiss Liam’s jaw, then his neck where that mole he loved resided. He felt that familiar warmth that belonged only to Liam Payne. Even now, with his face looking so broken, he really did look so beautiful to Louis. Liam shifted a little, accepting the feeling of soft pink lips against his flesh. He pulled the smaller boy closer and slipped his hands down his back to loop his fingers in the belt loops of Louis’s jeans. Using them, he pulled their waists even closer together.

It was a passionate exchange that required every last bit of energy they had. Liam’s lips met Lou’s and they kissed. They kissed for so long, but the time had escaped them. What felt like only seconds to them turned into hours spent in that bed. They pulled each other’s clothes off until there was nothing but skin left to feel. Sweat dripped from their bodies, and Louis felt Liam’s hands run over every inch of his body: from lightly tugging his hair, to running down his back, to one hand resting on his ass as the other hand gripped onto one of his hip bones. For every inch of Louis skin that Liam had run his hands over, Louis had trailed kisses over Liam’s. The beads of sweat had left a salty taste on his lips.

There were times that Liam had pulled them so close that Louis could hardly tell where his body ended and began. The contact set them on fire. Their hearts beat wildly out of time and both struggled to catch their breath. Louis’ fingers became intertwined with Liam’s hair. With his lips pressed up against Lou’s ear, Liam slid in and out of him. Every small groan and moan that escaped those lips was heard, even the small gasp that Liam let out when he felt what it was like to be inside him again, after so long. It was all too little and too much at the same time. There was a symphony of moans and deep breaths.

That kiss could have lasted forever. Once they had both finished and were sticky, gasping for breath, and soaked with sweat, they just kissed some more. They kissed so ferociously that their lips were swollen. Their swollen, pink lips connected with an intensity like that of the last flash of light a star emits before it dies. They were both scared to pull away because somewhere between silence and kisses, they realized this was the last time. This was where the circle really stopped.

There would be no more kisses and roaming hands after this. There wouldn’t be anymore cute pictures to take, vacations to go on, dogs to raise together, tea to make for each other, or postcards to send. It wasn’t because they didn’t love each other; they loved each other too much to stay together. Neither was right for the other, and for four years, they tried desperately to pretend nothing was broken. On that December evening, though, they had finally acknowledged all the broken pieces.

Louis found himself staring into those same, haunting, beautiful, wonderful, awful brown eyes again. “Liam,” he said, sighing out loud, pain evident in his voice, “I’m so sorry.” He meant it; he was sorry down to the bone that things had ended up this way. He was sorry for never saying what he felt, and he was sorry for running away. He was sorry for boxing up all of his things, and he was so sorry for saying goodbye. He was sorry for not being able to marry Liam like Liam had always wanted him to.

Biting his bottom lip, small tears began to gather in Liam’s eyes. A tiny, half-smile formed on his face. Squeezing his eyes shut, two tears began to run down his face. He nodded a little, “Yeah,” he replied, “I’m sorry too.” He placed one kiss on Louis’ forehead, “I will always love you, and I am always here if you need me.” There was no use in being bitter. Being bitter would never fix them, and it would never make Louis stay. Instead, Liam simply wiped his eyes, got up from bed, and pulled clothes back on. Louis watched him as he did so, admiring the way his hair curled with the moisture of his sweat, and let the moment sink in.

“I love you too, you know,” Louis told him, “You mean the world to me.” So much time had passed since they had really been able to talk, but Lou wanted him to know how he felt. He wanted Liam to know, more than anything, that this had never meant nothing to him, and that no matter what anyone said, four years had not been wasted. He had been blessed with sharing four years of his life with one of the most beautiful people on the planet. For four years, he was Liam’s and Liam was his. It just happened to be that they weren’t right for each other in the end. He’d be damned if he’d ever forget, though.

Those two brown eyes were impossible to forget, and he didn’t want to forget them anyway.

Silence once again fell between them. Louis pulled his clothes back on and finished his packing. Liam hugged and kissed Winnie for the last time, holding the puppy so close to him that Winnie squirmed in his grip, barking, and licking Liam’s face. He even broke his own rules and gave the puppy some food from the fridge. Lou packed all of his things into the car, put Winnie on a leash and looked up at Liam while standing in the doorway, steps away from really, truly being gone.

“Goodbye, Louis,” Liam mumbled as he pulled him into one last hug. They sat like that for awhile, until Louis pulled away, inch by inch, until he only had a hold of Liam’s fingers.

“Goodbye, Liam,” he replied when he finally let go. He put Winnie in the car and got into the driver’s side. As he drove away, he looked back at Liam in the doorway and waved a little from the car.

Liam waved goodbye until he couldn’t see that car anymore, and afterwards, he became tragically aware of the silence and emptiness around him. Piece by piece, he took down their pictures and placed them in a box of his own to be shoved in the back of his closet. Every wall seemed empty. The tears earlier had been the only two tears he cried.

One of the only pictures that remained was one of him and Harry from Liam’s birthday party the year before. He placed the picture in front of him on his coffee table, curled into a ball on the couch under a blanket, and tried to slip into a coma while staring at the picture. He would have given anything for Harry to be there at that moment instead of thousands of miles above the ground in an airplane headed anywhere but England.


	6. In Touch With Reality

**_Liam_ **

It took everything in him to fall asleep, and once he did, it was the deepest sleep he had experienced in months. No dreams, or nightmares, were had. Everything was just black. When his eyes fluttered open the next morning, he could hardly believe the silence. Louis wasn’t the silent type, and Winston wasn’t either. Groggily, he rose from the couch. His heavy blanket was draped over him like a cape as he walked around the empty house. He considered moving away, and he considered burning it down.

He considered a lot of things that he could do, but instead he boiled some water, made himself some tea, and put spoonful after spoonful of sugar into it. It was how he liked his tea, and Louis refused to make it that way. He thought sugar ruined tea, but Liam loved it. It was in that moment that he realized his life was going to be drastically different than it had been. For years, he had bended to the shape of Louis. The time to bend back to his previous shape had come.

Sipping his sweet tea and draped in his blanket, he curled back up on the couch again. The sun shine, that so brilliantly lit the world outside, felt deceiving to him. Didn’t anyone know that it was the end of the world? How could no one realize that love had died the night before? Maybe, he thought to himself, maybe no one cared if love died. Maybe everyone out there was just as lonely as he was in that moment. Maybe the sunshine was hated by thousands, maybe even millions, of people that morning.

There was a sound of light footsteps coming up the walkway and a loud knock on the door. Wincing slightly at the sound, Liam realized how quickly he had grown use to silence. Still draped in his blanket and refusing to hide his self pity or pathetic attitude towards the world from anyone, he walked to the door to answer it, all the while figuring it was just some salesman trying to sell him something that he didn’t need so he could impress people that he didn’t know.

Tired green eyes met his when he answered the door. That curly hair was a bit matted, and Harry had showed up in pajamas. “Before you say anything,” he said, “I need to tell you something.” There was an anxiousness within him that inhabited every part of his body, and he couldn’t hide it even if he tried: his hands shook a little, and he kept running one of those shaking hands through his hair. Liam leaned against the doorway, waiting, and listening. “Liam I am so infatuated with you, and I never wanted to tell you because I know how much you love Lou, and I know because I can see it all over your face. But for the first time in my entire life, I cannot stop myself from telling you right now that I don’t think you belong together. When you went home yesterday, I was so crushed that I had to go home too. All night all I could think about is that I don’t think he loves you the way I could, and I don’t think he knows the look that comes to your face when you are flying in the evening when the sun is setting. If he did, he could never be mad at you for leaving.” Harry sighed a little, knowing he was rambling but unable to stop himself.

“I’m not asking you to drop everything for me, or asking you to tell me that you love me, or asking you to act like this is some romantic comedy and kiss me in the rain. All I’m asking is that you go out to breakfast with me some morning and maybe hold my hand if the need arises within you. So tell me, will you go to breakfast, with me, please?” Harry looked into those brown eyes, and his whole face wore a look that pleaded for a yes. He needed a yes so badly. Liam’s face had remained unchanging. There was no expression to read, and Harry’s heartbeat was racing with terror.

Suddenly, Liam reached out and wrapped his arms, and his blanket, around Harry. He held him so tightly that Harry could hear his heart as it skipped a beat. The heat of Liam’s body was enough to calm his nerves and shaking hands. A small, but earth shattering, kiss was placed on his temple. “Let’s go to breakfast,” Liam said quietly in his ear, smiling as he did so.

The largest smile in all of England spread across Harry’s dimpled face. “Okay,” he said looking up at Liam with that knee-weakening look of his, “Let’s go to breakfast.”

It took no time at all for breakfast to turn into lunch, and lunch into dinner, and dinner into dessert. Liam found himself wondering how he could have ever been so crazy not to notice how Harry held his hands in his lap, or how he had a million different smiles that meant different things, or how kind he was even when people weren’t looking. He felt crazy for never realizing that he had noticed all of those things before that day. He had noticed every single little thing about Harry Styles since the day he had met him.

Maybe that’s what crazy is though: thinking you’re in touch with reality when you’re not. He had been crazy for so long, and it felt good to sit next to someone who didn’t mind how many sugars he put in his tea. Saying goodbye that night, Harry stood next to his car, hands shoved in his coat pockets, and smiling like an idiot. “Today was really, really nice,” he said, eyes shining in the moonlight. “Goodnight, I suppose,” he began to get into his car.

“Harry, wait,” Liam grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Smirking a little, he kissed the boy that brought him back to reality.

 

**_Louis_ **

It would take a half hour or so after Louis left the house for Niall to get back home after work. After the initial panic and tears, he convinced himself that he would be okay. He read once that if you loved two people at the same time, you should always pick the second because you wouldn’t have fallen in love with the second if you had really loved the first. He supposed whoever said that had to have been right. Real wisdom, he figured, was the kind of stuff that was repeated over and over again to people like him. People who didn’t know what they wanted until it slapped them in the face.

After he arrived at Niall’s and realized he had no way of getting inside, he took all the boxes from his car and piled them in front of Niall’s door. Smiling, he sat on one of the boxes. The feeling of relief had finally set in, and he remembered the conversation he had only days before. After dialing the phone number, he brought the phone to his ear and listened to it ring.

“Hello!” Zayn answered, “I’m hoping you’re calling with good news.” Louis saw Zayn’s knowing smile in his mind as he spoke. He loved and hated how right Zayn had always been.

He laughed a little in response, “I made up my mind, so you could say that’s good news.” He tossed little snowballs to the dog. Winnie ran around the yard, jumping up to catch the snowballs with his teeth, and barking excitedly when he felt he had waited too long for the next snowball to be thrown.

It had been driving Zayn nearly insane that he hadn’t put his two cents in. He assumed that he had done the best thing for Lou, but the fear of Louis picking the wrong person began to make him more and more anxious every time his mind wandered to the subject. “Who did you pick, Lou?” He asked, dying to know, and praying for the best.

Niall pulled up his driveway to the very peculiar sight of Louis sitting on a pile of boxes, bundled up in a massive winter coat, and talking on the phone while throwing snowballs for Winnie to catch in the yard. There wasn’t any other sight in the world that could have made him happier. The future with Lou that he had waited on for so many years had finally arrived. When Lou looked over at him, he smiled at how pink his cheeks had gotten from the cold. It made his eyes look even bluer. He got out of the car, grinning to himself, “You couldn’t have showed up when I was home, could you?”  
  
Louis flashed Niall a smug half smile and shrugged. Niall shook his head, knowing and loving that smug smile. Bringing his attention back to his phone call, Louis responded to Zayn, “I’ve got to go, Niall’s home,” his eyes caught Niall’s. He couldn’t help but to notice how the snow seemed to make them sparkle even more, and he couldn’t help but to notice how the tips of his ears were turning red from the cold. “I’ll call you later, yeah?”

Sighing with relief on the other end, Zayn nodded a little as he replied, “Yeah, sounds good…” he paused momentarily, smiling a little to himself, “Lou, I’m really glad you picked Niall.”

A full grin spread over Louis’ face, “Yeah, me too.” After they hung up, Niall unlocked the front door for him and began to carry the boxes in. Box after box of teacups, mementos, and clothes, Niall picked up and stacked in his living room that had now become their. As he did, Louis went to the kitchen and made hot cocoa for the two of them, dropping a large handful of marshmallows on top of Niall’s. This was the life he had always imagined, and he was so happy to be finally living it.

As they curled up that night together in the bed they first made love in, Winnie slept at the foot of the bed, playfully nipping at Niall’s feet every so often. Lou’s face was pressed into Niall’s chest, just breathing in the smell of his clothing detergent and cologne. The sound of Niall’s heartbeat became a quiet and reassuring lullaby. The feeling of his hair being twirled in Niall’s fingers became a relaxing and calming head massage. Slowly the moments passed in silence, and Niall watched as Louis’ eyes slowly began to flutter closed. He placed a small kiss on Lou’s forehead when he thought he had fallen asleep. Niall had _thought_ Lou was asleep, but he wasn’t. It was the things like that that made Louis love Niall so much: the gentle way he’d kiss his forehead when he was sleeping as if he were able to sweeten any dreams he’d been having with just one kiss. Shortly after the dream sweetening kiss, Niall’s own eyes fluttered closed and he drifted off to sleep.

Lou stayed up for awhile, smiling to himself and thinking. He felt alive when he was wrapped up in that bed. It wasn’t like he had rejoined the sane population of the world; he had just refused to run around in circles any longer. Lou was a whole new breed of crazy, though. Niall drove him crazy in ways that he had never been driven crazy before; he made Louis laugh like crazy, smile like crazy, and love like crazy.

It was the kind of crazy that Louis didn’t mind getting used to.


End file.
